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I have always hated You.
It was never the wicked whom I hated, the one inflicting pain, shredding minds and bodies to pieces, the one I really hated was You.
It was not the oppressor, giver of separation, the illness, the darkness or hate, it was always You to whom I turned to send bullets, arrows and knives of hate.

I wanted You to stop. 
I wanted You to leave me alone.

For I always knew it was You. You hid within me at birth. 
And I knew. And I hated you for everything I lived. 
Every cut, bruise, loss, assault, for every illness and loneliness, incomprehension and difference... 
I hated You.
For You are all there is.
Lord, You are all there is and I always knew You wanted me to taste every bit of darkness, bring it to the light. 
Confront demons, blood of my own blood, sons and daughters of my womb. 
I hated You while praying You.
I hated You while I praising Your name.
I hated You to the extreme of my perception while being the furthest fromYou.
And then You pushed me back. 
Home.

My hate for You the most profound love for a human. 
My hate for You true love. Complete longing and desire for You, my Lord, my King, my Creator. 
My hate Your guiding hand along the path from extreme to equivalence.

Thank you, my Lord, for I have been blessed by Your touch. 

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